The 7 habits of highly effective pick-upers

I have come across a few guys who lament that their friends have amazing girl friends. One particular guy told me that his friend had 12 of them at once. His face cringed like he was undergoing the first exertion of pressure to overcome severe constipation. "Stomach burn" he moaned. " He has 12 I have 0". I told him I know that feeling. It indeed is an omnipresent problem. Among every 10 boys, 3 are just poor pieces of work by god when it comes to the ability to present themselves as likeable to females and the qualification to bag one of them as a regular 'girlfriend'. Alot has been said about how to approach girls and further, perhaps, win a date. But most of them give impractical, unworkable methods. Here, I give a few easy ways to practice what has been preached by those pioneers:

1. Project confidence: Books and online pages ask you to be showcase self-confidence when walking up to talk to a girl. But, d'uh, where do you get that confidence from when you suck? And if you don't suck, you wont be reading that book. Since there's no way to be confident about yourself, you can start by projecting confidence on something else. For e.g "Hello, you know, today's the last day for filing tax returns". 

"What? Really?". 

"Yeah, I'm quite confident about it."

"Shit.....!!"

(Then hopefully this happens two days later, on the street )

"Hey aren't you the guy who reminded me about filing tax returns?"

"Yup"

"Thank you, you saved me from a lot of trouble. You busy tonight?"

2. Be yourself: Dumb suggestion again. Unless you have a divided personality disorder, this is an automatic check for everyone. In fact ask your money back if you bought a book on personality development that suggests this.

3. Use proper body language: This can be interpreted in two ways. One is using your limbs and moving it about while talking. Practice by waving off flies from dried spilt milk. This also includes adjusting your tie, running hands through your hair and other actions which are liable to make your hands unclean. The second interpretation, I feel, is a better bet. This means less talk and more action. Walk upto the target girl and wave your hands signalling a 'hi'. She asks who you are you show her your ID (yes, being a cop helps). She asks you what you do and so you point at her signalling 'you'. She will then call for help. And again, being a cop helps.

4. Be a good listener: This is the toughest thing to follow for many. This also answers why the top scoring guy in class sometimes has a girlfriend. He is a good listener. Naturally, you can develop this trait by  listening to drivel that is available everyday in your classroom. For those who are working, practice listening to Arnab Goswami and Ravi Shastri. For those who simply cannot listen, not all is lost. Simply nodding is effective most of the time, more so if it is over the phone. But be careful of many key words like 'Birthday', 'Saint Valentine', 'Bieber', 'Twilight' etc. You may be asked a follow up question based on one of these. Though it should be said that it might be wiser to fake a cut connection when questioned on the latter two words, by pulling out your own telephone's cord or flushing your mobile phone down the toilet.

5. Put her first: The pioneers mean this as putting the interests of your date above yours. Most assume that this means, when you visit the mall you enter  (set up camp, rather) perfume shops and shoe outlets rather than electronic shops and XBox outlets. Many guys find this a bit agonizing. Once again, interpretation is wrong. Think simple. Put her first. Allot #1 on your speed dial to her number. Getting robbed at an ATM? Make her stand first and hide behind her. On a demining mission? Ask her to walk first with the mine detector with you following a good distance behind. You see? It's not agonizing to put her first anymore.

6. Practice pick-up lines: Usually this means practicing lines which would flatter and 'turn on' your target girl. Most pioneers prescribe something catchy like – ' I smell a lily flower around here. Oh! My, you're the lily flower.' This usually fails for amateurs pick-upers because they lack the charm when they deliver it. That is because it is difficult to lie effectively while displaying charm i.e the principle on which lie detectors work. It is not easy to call you're target a lily when she is a human being.  A good way to practice it is by reciting the same line to your local fish vendor. Another common pick up line is, well, an actual pick up line like – 'need a ride, pretty?' though this, in most cases, is not used on targets you wish to have a longer relationship than a one-night stand.

7. Show that you care: This is probably the most important aspect because this shows to her that you are excited about having her as your girlfriend and gives her the confidence that she can trust you to start going out with her on regular dates and later maybe proceed to higher levels. This usually involves morose rituals like how you will always be there for her and that she can always count on you for anything. A voluntary bonded labour agreement in short. This usually leads to an exponential reduction in time spent with your beloved Xbox and an exponential rise in the time you do the duty of a chaffeur and shopping bag carrier. Once again a case of misinterpreting what the pioneers meant to convey. Who has thought of it this way? – That you care about her and are worried that she has fallen prey to the tricks of global brand retailers and are concerned that she is indirectly contributing to the killing of innocent crocodiles and monitor lizards in remote parts of the globe in addition to the poisoning of a few fresh water fishes and that you will not allow her to give God a reason to pull the lever that opens a trap door from the gates of heaven that takes her all the way down to the devil's kitchen in hell. That you are care about her health and will not allow her to be disfigured by witchdoctors who sell potions of milk, eggs, cocoa, vanilla,almonds etc in various combinations that will shock not only her bathroom scales a few days later but also your cash bill a few minutes (hours?) later, in addition to the mental trauma that she will later go through after either browsing magazines or spotting an ancient egyptian hourglass in an antique store. After all this, when you tell her that the Xbox is healthy and blissful, she will just believe you.

If all these tips don't work, launch a nationwide protest against the hoax of proclaimed pioneers who profess dating tips. As it is a nation wide protest involving TV and chances of getting your photo on the newspapers exist, expect to meet a few girls there. And try your luck.