We Indians love English, i mean we all love to love it. Atleast. English is that one resort we go to for getting things we, quite frankly, don't deserve. But yes we get those things. And English helps us get it. You don't believe what I'm saying? Well let me ask... How do you think Rajinikanth became the Superstar of epic proportions for who English is yet to procreate new superlatives? The truth be told, its because he can talk english, he can walk english and he can laugh english you bloody fellows!!! Now what more evidence does one need to realise that English is Santa Claus in India? In his own words english is the passion of the nation. It is the condition and consideration the conjunction becomes injunction and injuction become irritation (and why not? ask a middle school grammer student).
And why is English so kind on us, you may ask. Try asking the English (No no. Not the language, the people from Kate middleton's bedroom) what they understand by conjunction or injunction. When this writer asked Kate (how I asked is immaterial) her reply was 'Pardon me, you are testing my language skills, aaare you? Stop wasting my time you preposterous buffoon. I have to go to Westminster General to get myself a penicillin injunction for the rashes and conjunction-vities I got from my wedding gown. Excuse me...!!". Well what I mean is if a member of the Royal family doesn't know what conjunction and injunction are, who will?? But yet superstar does. As the legend goes, conjunction and injunction were burried in a coffin alongside William Shakespear. But Superstar brought them back from the dead when he uttered that magical sentence in 'Velaikaran'. Naturally English is indebted to us Indians. Hence English has given us Indians jobs, given us careers, given us girlfriends, given us McDonald's, given us HBO, even given us the wisdom to read only Harry Potter and not other top-level classics, given us the foresight to watch only F.R.I.E.N.D.S (throughout the day on three different channels at times) thus protecting ourselves from honouring the sweat and effort of other creative minds.
But are we being grateful to our provider of plenty? We as Indians, it is in our blood and imbibed in our culture to be grateful. And we haven't gone back on that towards our provider of plenty. English medium schools are the norm of the day. Regional languages are left to the archaics. This is in contrast to several countries in Europe where the national language is the medium and English is offered as a speciality. Ditto with China till recently, until Google being banned and the demand for English knowing web spies to be able to read and understand the English in Google's embedded source codes and try to make sense out of anti-govt emails and Facebook posts doing the rounds. In English. India however is English Oriented. Ok, so English medium schools. This writer once walked into the principal's office of an Indian owned English medium school in Sharjah ("principle's" office it said on the door plate) and asked him about the importance given to English in their school. His reply was prompt, "Man, are you an educated fellow or not? See our board man!! What it said?". This writer startled by the question went " Well actually it didn't tell me anything. Is there a speaker mounted on it that I missed?". The principal retorted "Bleddy fool! You don't know English? What it said means what it is written there on the school's entrance board? You dont know that also?". The writer felt ashamed and squeeked, "Sorry..Sir... But.. what else is it that I dont know?". He now laughed, "Ha ha..What you people dont know English and you are coming as journalists and writers. What man?". He now made a cup posture in his palm and turned it about slowly, like he was trying to pluck a mango from a tree. He went on, "See the school's name board says ' Our Own English High School'. So first of all your question is itself wrong. It is not a English medium school. It is a English high school. And who's school it is man? It is our own. Not yours, not Sharjah's, and obviously not of someone like you who doesn't know English. It belongs to me and the person from Kochi who sends money to that sheikh who gave me this pistol here, see? He has lot of guns, big guns also. So you first get out now or i'll shoot". And then this writer took the wise decision to walk out before he's carried out.
This writer later reflected on how he was treated disrespectfully. One sentence that the principal/principle spoke shed a cloud of doubt about his own credentials as a journalist.'and OBVIOUSLY not of someone like you who doesn't know English'. Was he that poor in the language of his career so far? Was it so much in plain view that he doesn't know english? Was it 'obvious'? These doubts were soon dispelled while interviewing the lead actress of movie made near his home, chennai. He asked the upcoming star, from a place 1500 kilometers away and brought up on a entirely different dialect, how she found acting in a film in an unfamiliar language. The air of confidence with which she spoke was enough to send the tree outside tumbling over. " Quite obviously I found it difficult in the starting stages you know, but uh... obviously it is a part of acting life, where you know, obviously you may have to act in different places, and different places obviously means different languages and so obviously it is something we have to get used to, you know. But you know the director and other actors were obviously very supportive and they helped me to overcome all these difficulties, and eh... obviously my fans have been just great, you know, they obviously whistle whenever my scene comes even if I dont say anything and just stand there. Obviously thats because....". The writer interrupted at this point, for he knew the obvious reason for such fan frenzy and he may lose his job for putting that reason in his report. But the tempting image the thought of that reason brought with it was the last thing on his mind now. For he knew it was certainly not 'obvious' that he didn't know english. 'Obvious' was just another disproprtionately frequently used word by us. Quite obviously.
But he wondered why that was so. Why such undue favoritism to that one word? There was one other word that was almost matching 'obvious' in frequency but that turned out to be a cuss word. So why? The writer was sometime later deputed to cover an event in a reputed institution. There he found that the usage of the word 'obvious' was even with the most unobvious phenomena. One bubbling student was asked to comment on the success of the event. The student floated around enthusiastically saying, " Sir, obviously its because we have scheduled it such that it doesn't clash with events in VIT, IIT Madras, NITT, SRM, Anna University, Shastra, PSG, GCT, Sathyabama University....". "Wait, wait, wait..." the writer interjected, " you know, you're request for covering your event says you are a reputed institution. And you had to avoid a clash with Sathyabama?". The student stared and then handed over charge to another one beside him. "See sir. Seriously, we are a reputed institution. We have a lot of enthu about this event. So obviously you can see that we are reputed from the amount of funds we get. So basically we are able to use our resources to draw students from other great institutions to our event. So Generally we are able to give higher cash prize than even IIT Madras even though other students have better fundas than us and we are usually raped and dont get any prize at all. So obviously that means we are so reputed that people are funding us in huge amounts, sir. So thats what sir. So obviously it shows we are very reputed".
So that was the story behind the, well..obvious. Its just a mental domino effect. The school kid is hypnotised to aim for reputed, or so be it, institutions. Once they see these students use the obvious words so many frigging times, it sinks into them that if they can master the obvious dialect they will atleast be perceived as a student of a reputed institution even if they are not. The aura of the obvious reverberates like a church bell. That explains the actress too. Ever since the 'miss teen south carolina fiasco'(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lj3iNxZ8Dww) all actresses and models have vowed to answer questions the smart way on TV. And who better to imitate than the reputed??.
This writer wanted to find out how the the association of obviously with smart came into vogue. The answer was on the notice boards of various schools, in the walls of suburban trains, and on electric poles near TASMAC outlets. One such deep orange sheet (which sick idiot would like to read that colour sheet anyway?) displayed "Harvurd English coching centre. Both spoken and writtan. Good cost only 2000 Rs. Exsellent for interview and GRE admission. Call 56661-00912 now itself". And at the bottom of that written in blue pen was 'call girl: 56661-00912, always free'. The reason was english coaching centers. And we all know the first thing all these centers (even the authentic ones) tell us. They instruct us to portray confidence, mostly fake confidence of course. And there is the answer for the obvious. Obvious, is something that requires no dissection, no hard thinking. Something that should occur to all normal IQ folks very naturally. Once a candidate at an interview, say, uses the word 'obviously' it attests an impression on him that he knows his stuff and is very confident of working with people. Most job interview successes are made by that word. For example, the interviewer of a software company asks " So, you will be working with high profile clients at our company. How will you interact with those clients?". The candidate gets the job by saying " Sir obviously I have good communication skills, good leadership qualities, smiling face, manners, even after I drink with them in bar I always will be steady like gun. So, I obviously can handle them sir." The inquistive interviewer probes further " But you are just saying like that. There is no proof. See your CV. You have not organised any event, not won any prize nothing. All you have is certificate from some Harvurd English coching centre. And I dont doubt your steadiness after gulping wine. But no proof for other things. So how I can believe?". The candidate answers confidently " Sir!! Obviously I can." The interviewer is satisfied," Good confidence my dear friend. You are appointed". And the candidate responds, the harvurd in him has worked. " I seriously thank you, sir."
