The assembly results are out. Whether it surprised you or went by your expectations, you still talk about it. And its all down due to the main protagonists and 'faces' for the party propogandas. In any contest, how you react and respond to the result is as important as you prepare for the contest. And our political honchos are no stranger to that pearl of wisdom. And the grandfather, sorry, grand-old party were the first to start working on that. Their professional ethic is so good that they started planning on how to react a day before the results. Rather than wait and react live based on how events unfolded. I would imagine it went by like this in the meeting:
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Rahul Gandhi: People, we're expected to be torn and thrown away in all 4 states. What do we do?
Digvijay Singh: We blame the RSS of course.
Rahul: How Guruji?
Digvijay: We say RSS is training young people in making bombs.
Rahul: What? That's complete nonsense Guruji!
Digvijay: No its not. Think about it. These RSS cadre have placed bombs in all states which exploded and thus we have been dismembered completely.
Rahul: So what do we say we are going to do about it?
Digvijay: We shall order an investigation by the CB......
Rahul: Thats enough Guruji. Anyone else? Ideas?
Sonia: I have one. Something that'll make everyone feel sorry for us and support us for losing the elections.
Rahul: Yes maa, tell.
Sonia: Let us say we lost deliberately because power is poison and we care about each and every candidate, while other parties don't care even if their candidates die.
Rahul: Maa, they will say Harsha is a doctor so he will look after his legislators health. So is Raman Singh ji. They will ask we also have our PM Doctor who will save us if we were poisoned, so why did we lose?
Sonia: He can? So I unnecessarily went to the US for a check up and got a lawsuit against me there?
Manish Tewari: Mrs high command, our PM is not a medical doctor. He has not even demonstrated his prowess to operate upon the Indian Economy and resurrect it and enforce a closure to the recursive palpitations and regurgitations by exhuberantly....
Rahul: Manish ji, please. It is because of the existance of people like you that I am called Budhdhu and Pappu. Look, even Chidambaram ji is opening the dictionary app on his mobile.
Chidambaram: Oh no no no. Im trying to contact this counting official who helped me win on recount from Sivaganga in the previous LS elections. He has assured me he'll do the same for Shiela madam. I have to tell him I can't pay him immediately because I used all my 2G money to ask Raja to shut up and stop asking for his statements blaming me in the JPC report.
Sonia: No problem, I can loan you. I am richer than the Queen you see.
Rahul: People, people! Stay focussed! You tards have to help me here. I have made a big enough fool of myself trying to project non-existant 'good governance' by our state leaders.
Manish: I would excuse myself to suggest you to comprehensively, but conservatively consider...
Rahul: Shut up! We should have proposed to the EC to cover your mouth instead of covering lotuses.
Renuka Choudhary: We can say that this will not alter our chances in the LS elections.
Rahul: But thats what is exactly the problem. The BJP have whitewashed us 4-0. We have to change our squad. If we don't, like India didn't after getting whitewashed by England and got again whitewashed by Australia, we will also be whitewashed again. So we have to talk about dropping few members.
Renuka: You are suffering from selective ammonia, just like the BJP are suffering from selective ammonia. You forget that later India also beat Australia 4-0. And BJP forget that last LS elections also they lost after winning state elections.
Rahul: Your point reeks of amnesium nitrate. I think I will start revamping my team by dropping you first. Ok people, it seems AAP may do better than us. How shall we defend ourselves about this?
Sanjay Jha: Why don't you just use philosophical metaphors like you usually do? It will sound sweet but be so meaningless, that people will be searching what it means and never ask a follow up question.
Rahul: Good thinking Sanjay, just like why no one except Arnab asks you follow up questions on the newshour.
Sanjay: What if Arnab asks us about AAP beating us?
Rahul: Thats ok, one can never anyway answer him, If you are afraid I will send Mrs Amnesium Nitrate here instead of you.
Ajay Maken: I can help you. I will act like giving a press conference, then pretend to attend a call when you can gate-crash and give an impromptu press conference. The last time we did that, everyone forgot that we even attempted to pass an atrocious ordinance and remembered only your heroics.
Digvijay: We can blame the RSS.
Rahul: Oh, why Guruji? WHY??
Digvijay: It was because of RSS supporting saffron clad Ramdev who lent support to Anna Hazare because of who Kejriwal became a popular crusader. Anything which has saffron grassroots is evil, right?
Rahul: Wah! Dekhiye mera guruji ka bada gyan!
Sanjay: How?
Digvijay: Very easy. We just have to tell this saffron connection to Rajdeep bhai and his tunch maal wife and Mrs Burkha. Already she will be upset. She would have hoped to get a hand in forming the assembly like she had in forming the cabinet 2009. Now we can use her anger and disappointment and redirect it on AAP.
Sonia: Oh Diggy, what will we do without your gyan? You have saved us again.
Rahul: Ok people. Finally. People are making fun of me because everywhere I campaign we have lost badly from Bihar, UP, Gujarat and these 4 now. What can I say?
Ajay: Tell them that BJP loses wherever Modi campaigns too. Tell them about Karnataka.
Rahul: Thats just one state. And look at the crowd at his rallies, they will say election results are a reflection of it.
Digvijay: Blame the RSS
Rahul: Again Guruji? How?
Digvijay: RSS considers Bharath as their Mata. So the Hindu brigade of RSS cursed you for denigrating their Mata.
Rahul: But Guruji, I have never denigrated the country.
Digvijay: Yes you have. You said India is a river. Have you seen how dirty Yamuna and Ganga are? You just called Bharath Mata as dirty. Atleast you should have specifically told that India is Sabarmati river. And in India all states have rivers. So all states you campaign in we are losing.
Rahul: Guruji, your wisdom is humbling. Guruji I have realised now that RSS is the answer to everything.
Rahul: Ok maa, Guruji and other tards! We are going to put up a brave face and defend our position to the best of our ability. We will rise out of this abyss with the escape velocity of Jupiter. If any journalist dares to be unbiased and exhibits even an ounce of integrity we will give them a dose of amnesium nitrate which will affect them mentally so much that they spend the rest of their lives reading the lines on the palm of the congress symbol.
----------------
If the minutes of the real brainstorming session contained any more sense than this, I'd be damned. Kudos electorate of Delhi, Rajasthan, MP and Chattisgarh!
---------------
Rahul Gandhi: People, we're expected to be torn and thrown away in all 4 states. What do we do?
Digvijay Singh: We blame the RSS of course.
Rahul: How Guruji?
Digvijay: We say RSS is training young people in making bombs.
Rahul: What? That's complete nonsense Guruji!
Digvijay: No its not. Think about it. These RSS cadre have placed bombs in all states which exploded and thus we have been dismembered completely.
Rahul: So what do we say we are going to do about it?
Digvijay: We shall order an investigation by the CB......
Rahul: Thats enough Guruji. Anyone else? Ideas?
Sonia: I have one. Something that'll make everyone feel sorry for us and support us for losing the elections.
Rahul: Yes maa, tell.
Sonia: Let us say we lost deliberately because power is poison and we care about each and every candidate, while other parties don't care even if their candidates die.
Rahul: Maa, they will say Harsha is a doctor so he will look after his legislators health. So is Raman Singh ji. They will ask we also have our PM Doctor who will save us if we were poisoned, so why did we lose?
Sonia: He can? So I unnecessarily went to the US for a check up and got a lawsuit against me there?
Manish Tewari: Mrs high command, our PM is not a medical doctor. He has not even demonstrated his prowess to operate upon the Indian Economy and resurrect it and enforce a closure to the recursive palpitations and regurgitations by exhuberantly....
Rahul: Manish ji, please. It is because of the existance of people like you that I am called Budhdhu and Pappu. Look, even Chidambaram ji is opening the dictionary app on his mobile.
Chidambaram: Oh no no no. Im trying to contact this counting official who helped me win on recount from Sivaganga in the previous LS elections. He has assured me he'll do the same for Shiela madam. I have to tell him I can't pay him immediately because I used all my 2G money to ask Raja to shut up and stop asking for his statements blaming me in the JPC report.
Sonia: No problem, I can loan you. I am richer than the Queen you see.
Rahul: People, people! Stay focussed! You tards have to help me here. I have made a big enough fool of myself trying to project non-existant 'good governance' by our state leaders.
Manish: I would excuse myself to suggest you to comprehensively, but conservatively consider...
Rahul: Shut up! We should have proposed to the EC to cover your mouth instead of covering lotuses.
Renuka Choudhary: We can say that this will not alter our chances in the LS elections.
Rahul: But thats what is exactly the problem. The BJP have whitewashed us 4-0. We have to change our squad. If we don't, like India didn't after getting whitewashed by England and got again whitewashed by Australia, we will also be whitewashed again. So we have to talk about dropping few members.
Renuka: You are suffering from selective ammonia, just like the BJP are suffering from selective ammonia. You forget that later India also beat Australia 4-0. And BJP forget that last LS elections also they lost after winning state elections.
Rahul: Your point reeks of amnesium nitrate. I think I will start revamping my team by dropping you first. Ok people, it seems AAP may do better than us. How shall we defend ourselves about this?
Sanjay Jha: Why don't you just use philosophical metaphors like you usually do? It will sound sweet but be so meaningless, that people will be searching what it means and never ask a follow up question.
Rahul: Good thinking Sanjay, just like why no one except Arnab asks you follow up questions on the newshour.
Sanjay: What if Arnab asks us about AAP beating us?
Rahul: Thats ok, one can never anyway answer him, If you are afraid I will send Mrs Amnesium Nitrate here instead of you.
Ajay Maken: I can help you. I will act like giving a press conference, then pretend to attend a call when you can gate-crash and give an impromptu press conference. The last time we did that, everyone forgot that we even attempted to pass an atrocious ordinance and remembered only your heroics.
Digvijay: We can blame the RSS.
Rahul: Oh, why Guruji? WHY??
Digvijay: It was because of RSS supporting saffron clad Ramdev who lent support to Anna Hazare because of who Kejriwal became a popular crusader. Anything which has saffron grassroots is evil, right?
Rahul: Wah! Dekhiye mera guruji ka bada gyan!
Sanjay: How?
Digvijay: Very easy. We just have to tell this saffron connection to Rajdeep bhai and his tunch maal wife and Mrs Burkha. Already she will be upset. She would have hoped to get a hand in forming the assembly like she had in forming the cabinet 2009. Now we can use her anger and disappointment and redirect it on AAP.
Sonia: Oh Diggy, what will we do without your gyan? You have saved us again.
Rahul: Ok people. Finally. People are making fun of me because everywhere I campaign we have lost badly from Bihar, UP, Gujarat and these 4 now. What can I say?
Ajay: Tell them that BJP loses wherever Modi campaigns too. Tell them about Karnataka.
Rahul: Thats just one state. And look at the crowd at his rallies, they will say election results are a reflection of it.
Digvijay: Blame the RSS
Rahul: Again Guruji? How?
Digvijay: RSS considers Bharath as their Mata. So the Hindu brigade of RSS cursed you for denigrating their Mata.
Rahul: But Guruji, I have never denigrated the country.
Digvijay: Yes you have. You said India is a river. Have you seen how dirty Yamuna and Ganga are? You just called Bharath Mata as dirty. Atleast you should have specifically told that India is Sabarmati river. And in India all states have rivers. So all states you campaign in we are losing.
Rahul: Guruji, your wisdom is humbling. Guruji I have realised now that RSS is the answer to everything.
Rahul: Ok maa, Guruji and other tards! We are going to put up a brave face and defend our position to the best of our ability. We will rise out of this abyss with the escape velocity of Jupiter. If any journalist dares to be unbiased and exhibits even an ounce of integrity we will give them a dose of amnesium nitrate which will affect them mentally so much that they spend the rest of their lives reading the lines on the palm of the congress symbol.
----------------
If the minutes of the real brainstorming session contained any more sense than this, I'd be damned. Kudos electorate of Delhi, Rajasthan, MP and Chattisgarh!
